monstrous responsibility

i may be a monster
but i possess some good
which i see is inconvenient
to the ending of your book

i may be a monster
but it’s implied that i was made
every wall was built
every evil brick was laid

which part did you construct?
what sins did you leave behind?
what dark design did you
conjure with your mind?

I’m simply a mirror
held to the face of man
when i’m wielding the ax
my hands execute your plan

from 2016

i know some people question God. God is cruel, they say. or “where is God?” i think the question should be more, “is God fair and just?” and to this i say, yes. God is perfectly just. no action can go without consequence, our actions and/or other people’s actions. those are the rules whether u believe in God or not. those are the rules whether God exists or not. the choice of our will radiates out in never-ending ripples of consequence. we drop a stone, that is our choice, and it has repercussions, good or bad, forever. if we make a series of good choices, life gets easier. but only until someone else’s will runs up against ours. is that God’s fault?

God allows free will and therefore, allows man to have his way. how much more just can an all-powerful being be? if He does indeed exist. how patient He is. it would be much easier to just take over and start again. i don’t see God as cruel. i see Him as ever-so merciful and gracious to give me several chances at life even though i destroy my body. and He also offers me infinite redemption, love, grace and forgiveness so long as i acknowledge that He is the one to grant those things.

i have no problem in doing that. i am grateful for that. it is a welcome respite from a cruel world.

Good News/Bad News

Bad News: You’ve been here before.

Good News: You’ve been here before.
So you know what not to do. And you’re still standing.
It’s going to be okay.

Good has gone away.
Bad has come to stay today.
Welcome good again.


I really feel like the worst possible things have happened in the last month. It’s been a struggle. Okay, not the worst, but some really bad shit. It all started early in November when I got a terrible leg infection.

Wednesday, November 2nd, leg infection. A cyst of epic proportions (Caused by a spider bite? I will never know.) gets rapidly worse throughout the week and I am in the ER by the following Sunday. Really painful, has to be drained, packed and bandaged. The next day, Monday, it’s just as bad and now I have a fever. Possible blood infection. Back to the ER and drained and packed again. Really super-pissed antibiotic to kill all the things that need to be killed and then some. I have a trip to take on Thursday by bus. I planned this trip for several weeks and now my leg infection is threatening my very important visit with my friend.

I get on the bus on Thursday and make it to St. Louis. I have to deboard the bus and call my husband. It is early (EARLY) morning Friday. I ask him to pick me up because I’m in excruciating pain. What a friggin’ nightmare. He does pick me up and is not upset and it’s actually a nice trip back, emotionally. Physically, still in alot of pain. When I get home, I basically lay around for a while with no bandages and let the sucking, festering leg infection just M-F’n breathe. Ah.

I’m trying to get my money back from the ticket, but no word yet.

But basically, I suffer through some stupid infection and miss my trip to Virginia Beach to see my friend. This was supposed to be my early Xmas present. Merry, merry to me.

Then Thanksgiving arrives. Long weekend. Everything seems to be looking up. Not. Thanksgiving day goes perfectly awesome. No fighting. No problems. Very thankful. Very full.

Boom. Black Friday-my husband, daughter and I get up to workout first thing. We drive up to the clubhouse at our apartment complex because we are going to run errands after the gym, so we’ll just leave from there in the car. Exercise. Come out to leave and the car starts and then immediately dies. F***!

We have to call for a tow. Call for a rental car. Find out what’s wrong. Get another car that we had been planning to buy, but waited one day too long.

Fuel pump on our SUV went out, cost to fix was $800 and the A/C, heater and power windows already don’t work. Not pouring any more money into that beast. The A/C and heater actually still functioned, but they were loud AF! Every time you turned on the fan, it sounded like a horn was being killed violently by a swirling helicopter blade. So. New car.

Having your car die and renting a new car and buying a new car in the space of two days could make you want to kill your spouse, try drugs for the first time or consider divorce to avoid paying sales tax on a new vehicle (that won’t actually work). But it will definitely make you yell at your spouse (if your name is Guy Maggio).

We did get a new car with brand-new car payments!!! Yay! No.

Also, I started a liquid diet from hell for my upcoming weight loss surgery. This could have the same effect on attitude as buying a new car on Black Friday. If I had a cat, I would have kicked it by now. Sorry, Kitty. But I have the Ketosis Blues. All protein diet. Protein shakes to shrink my liver to get to my saggy, stretched-out stomach to cut it in half! Eating all protein forces your body into ketosis. Fat burning. Be prepared to feel like you have the flu and the mumps at the same time. High protein diets can cause your lymphatic system to get CLOGGED! WTF???! I have swollen neck glands like you wouldn’t believe and that makes a thyroid cancer patient f’n nervous. Plus, now I have hives on my face for some reason. 😦

My husband is deeply unhappy and sometimes with me. I am struggling physically. I will be glad when my surgery is here, my liquid diet is over and I can have oxycodone. If I can’t have food then legally prescribed drugs for weight loss surgery are just fine with me. A girl has to grab fun where she can. I heard that you mostly sleep the first day after surgery, that’s fine. I would prefer a medically-induced coma until January, but anesthesia, oxycodone and a nap might just do it.

My weight is down to 438.6 this morning, so that’s the bright spot. Please God, help me. Or just take me now, Lord! Gah!!!

It’s hard to be a positive person when you live with Charlie Brown. No wonder Lucy was crabby all the time! So pardon my French, November, but I’m so f’n thankful to see you go!