Like the ship on a sea,
My body is Home.
You always have rest
Wherever you roam.
To know true Peace
We must struggle and wrestle.
Our cargo is Honesty
Carried far in a vessel.
Don’t give up, please,
Holding through the night.
Words and wisdom will come.
Keep praying for the light.
Like sun in the morning,
Your smile is Life.
Want is not need.
Sacrifice is a Wife.
Never raped; never robbed.
Never threatened, molested, accosted or mobbed.
Never needed a gun.
The only man to ever abuse me
Was my dad who always accused me
Of being:
Lazy.
Fat.
Less than.
Ungrateful.
Worthless.
He owned 2 guns.
So if you ask me, “Do you want a gun?”
I would say, “No. Why would I need one?”
I’m beginning to wonder though.
If everyone who needs a gun
Buys a pistol. Rifle. AR-15. Grenade-lobbing launcher…
How will I protect my body? My daughter’s body?! My rights?
My right to exist.
How will I defend myself against those who have an entire arsenal at their disposal?
Do I want to live in a country
where I am required to arm myself
against those who would hunt me?
(Because they are paranoid
that the world is coming for:
their rights,
their guns,
their women
and most importantly,
their stuff!)
No.
No more alabaster cities that gleam,
We’d be no better than 3rd-world regime.
The kind that grabs power by force.
The kind that keeps boots on the necks of the poor.
The kind that muzzles our boisterous press.
The kind that punishes peaceful protest.
The kind that installs corrupt institution.
The kind that criminalizes sacrosanct Constitution.
No.
I don’t want to live with that.
I don’t want to die with that either.
But, no.
I will never need a gun.
Never needed a passport either…
This is an imitation poem of Wordsworth’s I Wandered Lonely As a Cloud. Same amount of syllables in each line and follows the a-b-a-b-c-c pattern in the stanzas. I started this poem in a college creative writing class in 1995 (it had a different direction then, I was too young to finish). Gah! So long ago.
I was wrapped lonely in a shroud.
This veil of silence sealed my thoughts.
When all at once, I lived out loud.
Finally cut my tangled knots.
I’m free to swim and find my way.
Searching for a glimmering ray.
Under the ocean, lost in waves,
Grabbing for air in panicked gasps.
Rolling around this sea of graves,
Spitting out endless, hardened rasps.
Tossed upon the rocky-black storm,
Nothing but pain to keep me warm.
Break the surface-a flood of light.
Nothing familiar, no one near.
Erupt to shore like birds in flight.
Collapse in the sand without fear.
I made it–not just to survive–
To taste the world and come alive.
Plant my flag and settle the hurt.
Find the shells that echo my heart.
Wash away all the grit and dirt.
Burning the past is oh-so smart.
Now all the ties lies have come undone.
No race un-run; no war un-won.
Love flew in my window last night.
Stretched his wings out wide and came to rest upon my heart.
Feathered up all his sumptuous sweet breath
And called awareness to his sound.
Come close, Love.
Sing your soft song down my throat
And fill my belly with Sacrifice and smoky threads of Charity.
You won’t pass this way again
And I can’t refuse your delicious flight and feast.
Love is not a neon sign.
It’s not an easy pick-up line.
Love is hard.
Not so fast.
Love is slow.
Love will last.
Love puts first those things that matter.
Love is a mirror too strong to shatter.
Love isn’t fragile.
But handle with care.
Love is a diamond.
Tough but rare.
When you find it, you’ll know.
It will shine pretty bright.
Love’s not a flashy neon sign,
But a brilliant, saving, eternal light.
For 3 days straight, I’ve been carefully tracking my calories and paying more attention to my habits. I have been hovering for weeks. At the beginning of February, I was around 390. So it’s taken me around 3 weeks to lose about 10 lbs. If you’re a normal person who hasn’t had weight loss surgery, that would be damn good. But I’ve had weight loss surgery. So.
I’ve been up and down a pound or two for weeks, up 1, down 2. I am back down to 380.4. That’s only a 0.2 lb loss from Valentine’s Day. But, I am aiming for consistency and discipline at this point. And I think I’ll see that scale move soon.
I am keeping my calories low. Back to using myfitnesspal.com. Under 1200 calories per day (doctor said most people are getting around 1,000 calories per day at this stage). Trying to mix it up with what I eat, when and how much. Even the doctor said, “Don’t eat the same things every day.”
Dr. Tim said I was doing good. He also let me know, anyone who has stress or sickness during the first 2 months after surgery won’t see the high end of their goal. That’s been his experience anyway. So, having my gallbladder fail might have put me on the low end of the spectrum. According to their records, I’ve lost 45 lbs. since surgery and 70 lbs. since the start of the liver-reduction liquid diet.
I had just hoped for more. That’s all. Anecdotally, some WLS patients have lost as much as 60 lbs. by the 2-month mark (time from surgery to check-in, not including liquid diet pre-op phase). Oh well! I’ll take what I got. 🙂 Happily.
I feel better. That’s the main thing.
Since August 2012, I have lost 132.6 lbs. As of today. That’s a skinny mama and her toddler. Right? Thankful to have that off my back! Very appreciative.
I saw today, according to myfitnesspal.com, I only have 180 lbs. left to goal! That sounds like a bunch, but to me, that’s nothing! I’m so excited. 😀 It’s very encouraging. Almost 1/2 done. That feels great. I have a long way to go, but I’ve already accomplished almost half of my goal! That’s awesome!!! Start today and tomorrow you’ll be that much closer-right? Do it! You can do it.
Starting a new painting. I’ve never painted with acrylics before. Well–I’ve never painted well with acrylics before. Started with clouds. What do u think? I’m diggin’ it.
“I wandered lonely as a cloud…”–William Wordsworth
Come ride my cloud with me. This is a lonely cloud.
Remember, free download of my book ENDS today! Thanks. 🙂
My book, Present Tense, is available on Amazon tomorrow for free. February 9-13! Normally $2.99. Check it out. It’s a quick read; probably finish in one go. Or if you have Kindle Unlimited, it’s free anytime. It’s a vignette-style memoir with a glance at PTSD and how it starts. It does not answer the question of recovery, but it gives an emotional starting place.
Please
Try
Slowing
Down.
People
Triggered
Simply
Drown.
Psychological
Trauma.
Significant
Drama.
Pressurized
Tangle of
Shame &
Depression.
Pray.
Think.
Smooth those ruffled feathers.
Disarm.
heaven hear our fervent prayer
bring a love on the rushing air
reap what you sow
take what you’re owed
when you decide
to put aside
the fear inside
dry those tears you’ve cried
and go for the ride
of your life
